


hesitation is easy

by bespokenboy



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Fluff, M/M, Mild Voyeurism, Smut, Tsundere Jongin, a little bit of angst about trainee days
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-27
Updated: 2015-01-27
Packaged: 2018-03-09 06:51:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,105
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3240308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bespokenboy/pseuds/bespokenboy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The last thing Jongin expects to see is his leader's face pressed into the mattress, his jeans pooled around his ankles and his ass up in the air.</p>
            </blockquote>





	hesitation is easy

Jongin doesn’t think Joonmyun is cute. No matter what kind of over the top aegyo the leader puts on, Jongin is embarrassed, yes, but moved, no.  
  
The other members are teasing Joonmyun about how adorable he had been earlier that day, how they couldn’t believe that he had prepared cute poses just for the occasion. Joonmyun denies that he had practiced them ahead of time, but it’s not hard to see that he is pleased by their approval. Good-nights are exchanged, and soon Joonmyun and Jongin are the only ones left in the kitchen, Joonmyun filing dishes into cabinets and Jongin sipping at a glass of water.  
  
He watches Joonmyun, trying to figure out what has changed about him since they met eight years ago. The Joonmyun he first met was so different from the one he sees in front of him now.   
  
And then he realizes it. Joonmyun has grown up. He’s matured so slowly, but so surely that Jongin hardly noticed it until he found himself looking not at an arrogant, young teenage boy, but at a man who has been humbled by years of uncertainty and perseverance.  
  
Joonmyun is wise in ways that only come with experience, but rather than being inspired by his friend’s transformation, Jongin feels frustrated. Because Jongin himself still feels like a child. He’s had the second to most amount of training, just behind Joonmyun, but there is no way he could handle the responsibilities that Joonmyun faces on a daily basis. He’s not used to taking care of others, and it’s not easy for him to express himself through words, let alone offer comfort or encouragement.   
  
Jongin needs people to pay attention to him, but he's no good at the reverse. He knows that he's quiet compared to the others, but maybe if he spoke up a little more, Joonmyun would pay a little more attention to him.  
  
“J-Jongin?” Joonmyun asks when he catches Jongin staring at him. He hadn’t even noticed that the younger man was still in the kitchen. It’s almost eerie, the way that Jongin’s eyes are trained on him.   
  
“Um, what are you looking at, Jongin-ah?”  
  
Joonmyun smiles uncertainly, and something in Jongin's chest tingles.   
  
“Your teeth are too big,” Jongin comments automatically.   
  
Joonmyun’s hands fly up to cover his mouth, and his eyes widen in shock and hurt. It reminds Jongin of how Joonmyun used to hide his teeth when he was still hopelessly insecure about his open-mouthed laugh. Jongin was glad when Joonmyun finally rid himself of that habit.   
  
“I know,” Joonmyun mumbles through his fingers. “You don’t need to tell me.”  
  
Jongin makes a small, irritated noise, and Joonmyun pouts a little because has no idea what Jongin's problem is. They don’t talk often alone, not nearly as much as they did when they were trainees, so Joonmyun rarely knows what's going on in Jongin's mind. Joonmyun leaves him to his own devices, and Jongin never seeks him out the way that the other youngest members do.   
  
Joonmyun remembers the first time he and Jongin had their monthly evaluation as teammates. Jongin had been in the company for a few months, while Joonmyun had been a trainee for two years at that point.  _Two years_. Joonmyun knows of people who have debuted in less time. Yet, with half the effort that Joonmyun put into preparing for their evaluation, Jongin had managed to earn twice the amount of praise from the executives.   
  
At the time, Joonmyun couldn’t comprehend how someone younger than him, someone who hadn’t been through two punishing years of training, could be so much better than him. It was after meeting Jongin that Joonmyun realized that sometimes natural talent really does trump hard work.  
  
But no matter how much Joonmyun was tempted to be resentful of Jongin, he found that he couldn’t help but like the younger boy. It wouldn’t be a stretch, either, to say that he loved Jongin. Loves him still. And nothing made Joonmyun prouder than to realize that Jongin looked up to him.   
  
Things changed, as things always do. Member by member, their group expanded, and Joonmyun’s dream of debuting finally came to fruition. But that was just the first step. There were bigger dreams to be chased, more work to be done. Things changed between Jongin and himself, too. Jongin became the face of their group, the company’s golden child, while Joonmyun quietly supported him from the background. He was strong, kind, and responsible, like a leader should be. But he couldn’t say that he was close to Jongin anymore.   
  
Maybe it’s his imagination, but Jongin seems to act colder towards Joonmyun nowadays. Whenever Joonmyun catches Jongin with a candid grin on his face, it’s never one that is directed towards him. And his smile always slips away when their eyes meet.   
  
If Joonmyun didn't know better, he would have thought that Jongin was avoiding him. But he does know better, and so he understands that Jongin doesn't need him anymore. Not in the way that he used to. Jongin is adored by so many other people that he really doesn't need Joonmyun to cheer him up or to lend a listening ear. Which hurts because, at some level, Joonmyun will always need Jongin.   
  
"Is there anything you need, Jongin?" Joonmyun whispers, even though they're the only ones in the kitchen.   
  
"No," Jongin replies stubbornly, and Joonmyun smiles as pleasantly as he can, though it feels stiff and unnatural.   
  
"Right. Of course. Goodnight, Jongin."  
  
  
  
  
Each day just a new opportunity to mess up whatever tenuous relationship—if it could be called that—Jongin has with Joonmyun.   
  
Before, it just seemed that Joonmyun wasn't really that aware of Jongin, but now it's more like Joonmyun is wary of him. Joonmyun looks at him like he's afraid of what Jongin might say to him, and he's started covering his mouth whenever he laughs again. Except now it's even worse, because Jongin catches Joonmyun glancing over at him every time he does so.   
  
Jongin wishes that he could hug Joonmyun until the older boy giggled in embarrassment, until his self-consciousness disappeared once more. He doesn't know why it's so difficult for him to take any action when it comes to Joonmyun. Maybe it's because they've known each other for so long.   
  
Every time Jongin looks at Joonmyun, it brings him back to when he was just a kid, uncertain about everything except for the fact that he wanted to dance. Jongin saw Joonmyun as his mentor during their trainee years, looked up to him as an older brother. Joonmyun was always there to provide him encouragement and guidance, despite having his own struggles to worry about. He was a source of light, even when all Jongin could see was darkness.   
  
However, Jongin has come to associate the uncertainty of his trainee years with Joonmyun's smile, and looking at it now brings him back to when he was a teenager, so young and so vulnerable. Maybe that's why he can't help but act immaturely towards Joonmyun.   
  
As much as he wants to show Joonmyun his love, being affectionate with Joonmyun would feel awkward if they started at this point. He knows that Joonmyun loves skinship, but it would be devastating to Jongin if Joonmyun recoiled from him. So he doesn't risk it.   
  
It’s hopeless. Jongin isn’t good with words, so he can’t express to Joonmyun how much he wishes they could spend a little bit of time together, if only for Jongin to have Joonmyun’s undivided attention for once. The way he goes about pursuing Joonmyun is completely wrong, and he knows it. Instead of asking him upfront to hang out, Jongin just kind of stares intently at Joonmyun, hoping that he will read his mind or something. But when Joonmyun looks back at him questioningly, Jongin always ends up turning away in embarrassment, and Joonmyun ends up hanging out with the other two maknaes instead.   
  
His chance to smooth things over finally comes when they’re given a rare day off from their schedules, and most of the group have made plans to out and about. Jongin checks with each member individually to find out where they will go and who they’re going with, just to figure out what Joonmyun’s plans are. By some miracle, when he confronts Sehun and Zitao, Jongin discovers that Joonmyun has decided to rest at home for the day.   
  
“Want to come shopping with us, Jongin?” Zitao asks, and Jongin politely turns down their offer, telling him that he already had other plans.   
  
Jongin turns down the offers of the other members as well, not wanting them to find out that he planned to stay home alone with Joonmyun. More importantly, he doesn’t want Joonmyun to find out, in case the leader suddenly makes plans just to avoid him.   
  
He waits in his room until he is sure that everyone is gone, and then he waits a little longer looking up easy recipes online so he can fix lunch for Joonmyun. He’s no good at cooking, but Joonmyun isn’t any better, so he thought Joonmyun might be more open to discussion if he made him something to eat.  
  
Finally, he settles on a noodle recipe, since it’s hard to go wrong with noodles. As he passes by Joonmyun and Sehun’s bedroom on his way to the kitchen, he hears soft grunting noises. He pauses, leaning in until his ear is almost pressed against the door. It sounds as if Joonmyun is trying to move something heavy, maybe rearranging his furniture. His hand hovers over the doorknob as he debates whether or not Joonmyun would welcome his assistance. Then, he hears a cry of “ _fuck_ ,” and Jongin flings the door open in alarm.   
  
Joonmyun is not pushing his bookshelf across the room, as it sounded like from outside of his bedroom. Nor is he lifting up his mattress, moving his desk, or doing anything that Jongin had expected to see.   
  
The last thing Jongin expects to see is his leader's face pressed into the mattress, his jeans pooled around his ankles and his ass up in the air.   
  
  
One hand is working furiously at his cock, while his other hand is reaching behind his back, pressing three fingers into himself. Joonmyun looks up at Jongin, who is standing in the doorway, open-mouthed and unable to even breathe. His skin is flushed, and there are imprint marks where his wrinkled sheets pressed into his cheek. Joonmyun’s lips are parted softly, and his eyes are half-lidded as he croaks, “Jongin.”  
  
It almost sounds like an invitation.   
  
Jongin's mouth goes dry, blood rushes to his groin, and suddenly Jongin is staggering away from Joonmyun's room, almost tripping over his feet in his haste to escape. He's sure that the outline of his cock must be visible by now, and he makes a rush for the nearest bathroom.   
  
Not even the cool stream of water sprinkling down from the showerhead manages to wilt Jongin's stubborn erection. He dials the knob to the right—colder, and colder, but he's still glaringly hard. The sight of Joonmyun's debauched expression ingrained in Jongin's memory doesn't help, either. Try as he might, Jongin can't erase the sound of Joonmyun's moans or the filthy visual of him out of his mind. He shouldn't be turned on, but he is, and hopelessly so.   
  
There's a knock on the door, followed by the quiet creak of the doorhinge as Joonmyun steps inside the bathroom. It's not unusual for another member to come in while someone is in the shower, but since they're the only two at home, there's no reason for Joonmyun to need to share. Jongin groans, quiet so the sound is masked by the running water, as he wills his hands to stay away from his dick.   
  
Joonmyun comes in with the intention of apologizing. He's ashamed that Jongin caught him in such a lewd act, but he's even more ashamed of calling out for Jongin. His insides twist as he realizes that he had hoped, for a delirious moment, that Jongin would want to join him, and that it was the thought of Jongin inside of him that pushed him over the edge.   
  
The first thing Joonmyun notices as he steps into the bathroom is that there's no steam. Not on the mirror above the sink, nor fogging up the shower stall.   
  
"Jongin?" he calls out tentatively. "You're going to catch a cold, come out of the shower."  
  
He is met with silence, so Joonmyun yanks the sliding door open to turn the water off. Jongin's caramel skin is prickly with goosebumps, and his teeth are chattering from the cold, but he remains frozen in quiet reticence. Joonmyun tuts softly, and he searches for a towel.   
  
Joonmyun doesn't mean to look down, but he can't help but glance as he hands the towel to Jongin. The smooth, stiff curve of the younger man's cock is quickly obscured when Jongin wraps the towel tightly around himself. Joonmyun is still gaping at his crotch, and Jongin follows his gaze down to where his package is clearly protruding through the cloth.   
  
"Jongin," he says, his voice low and husky. "I'm sorry."  
  
"Why?" Jongin asks automatically. "Why are you sorry? I'm the one who..."  
  
He's the one who walked in on Joonmyun and got unbearably hard from the sight of him.   
  
"I didn't mean for you to see me that way," Joonmyun continues to apologize. "It must have completely ruined your image of me. I'm sorry if it made you uncomfortable."  
  
Jongin finds himself shaking his head.   
  
"It's okay...I'm not...uncomfortable," he whispers. Not with seeing Joonmyun like that, at least. The heaviness between his legs, on the other hand, is a whole different story.   
  
"You're not?" Joonmyun asks, hardly believing what Jongin might mean, hoping desperately that Jongin means what Joonmyun thinks he means.   
  
Jongin shakes his head and averts his eyes in shame.   
  
"In that case," Joonmyun murmurs, taking a step closer to Jongin. "Can I help you with  _that_?"  
  
He reaches out slowly to place his hand on top of the bulge in the terry cloth where Jongin's erection is barely hidden underneath. He gives Jongin ample time to refuse or back away, but the younger man doesn't, so Joonmyun drags his thumb along the curve of Jongin's length through the towel. The friction from the ribbed cloth and the pressure of Joonmyun's thumb are enough to make Jongin's breath hitch, and Joonmyun looks at him with amusement in his eyes.  
  
"Come on," Joonmyun says in a lilting voice, circling his fingers around Jongin's wrist.   
  
Jongin clings shyly to his towel as Joonmyun leads him to his bedroom. The bedsheets are still rumpled from when Joonmyun was writhing on them no more than a few minutes ago. Joonmyun tugs the towel away, biting back a grin when he sees Jongin's lividly erect cock. Joonmyun is still loose and slick from before, but he smears a generous amount lube along Jongin's length because three fingers were just barely enough preparation for the younger man’s girth.   
  
Without any hesitation, Joonmyun settles onto his back and grips Jongin by the hip, guiding his cock with his other hand to the cleft of his ass. Jongin gasps softly as he's swallowed up by Joonmyun's tight warmth.   
  
"Does it feel good?" Joonmyun asks, seeing the shocked bliss on Jongin's face. "It feels so good to have you inside of me..."  
  
Jongin pauses when he's pushed himself all the way in, taking a moment to enjoy how unbelievably good it feels to have the pressure of Joonmyun's walls enveloping his swollen cock. All he wants to do now is to make Joonmyun feel good too, so he cradles the older boy's hips in his hands and then skims his fingertips up along his sides. Joonmyun wriggles under his touch, rolling his hips in a way that feels delicious along Jongin’s cock, and the younger man starts rutting up against him to prolong the pleasure.  
  
“Ah!” Joonmyun gasps. “Be gentle, Jongin...but...not too gentle.”  
  
Joonmyun bites on his lower lip, sucking on the plumpness as the sound of skin slapping against skin punctuates the quiet room with its sharp staccato. He releases his lip to let out a moan when Jongin bucks his hips and manages to press into his sweet spot. Whether it was intentional or not, Joonmyun doesn’t have the capacity to care because he’s already sensitive from fingering himself earlier, and having Jongin on top of him now is almost too much to bear.   
  
Watching the slick redness of Joonmyun's lips, Jongin leans in to kiss his mouth, but Joonmyun turns away to muffle a yell into his pillow. Disappointment tugs at Jongin’s heart, and he rests his cheek against Joonmyun’s shoulder, letting his lips skim the leader’s neck. Joonmyun whimpers when Jongin’s hot, ragged pants tickle his neck. His fingers are grasping at the sheets, but he lets go of one hand to grab a fistful of hair Jongin’s hair. Joonmyun tilts the younger man’s head back and mouths at Jongin's neck, kissing and licking his way up to Jongin's parted lips.   
  
He sucks on Jongin’s lips, inhaling the warm, racy scent of his skin as he presses his heels into the backs of Jongin's dancer thighs. Despite his stamina when it comes to physical activity, Jongin starts to lose it when Joonmyun sucks on the tip of his tongue. With a few final erratic snaps of his hips, Jongin spills into Joonmyun before collapsing onto the smaller man’s narrow frame.   
  
"S-sorry, hyung," Jongin grunts.   
  
"It's okay, Jongin," Joonmyun wheezes.   
  
Since Jongin is evidently unable to move, Joonmyun tries to wiggle out from underneath him, but he can't overcome the younger man's heft. Joonmyun suddenly realizes that Jongin is no longer conscious. His eyes are closed, and his breathing is sluggish, so Joonmyun resigns to feebly patting Jongin on the back as he waits for the younger man to come to.   
  
Jongin wakes up to an insistent hardness pressing at his thigh. He blinks, disoriented, before it hits him. He had just shot his load into his leader hyung, the man he was afraid of even confessing his feelings to. And apparently, Jongin had fallen asleep on him promptly afterwards.   
  
"Sorry, hyung," Jongin groans again, rolling off of Joonmyun and flopping onto his back.   
  
"You're awake!"   
  
Joonmyun grins adoringly at him like Jongin is the best thing he's ever seen, and Jongin can't help but wrap a protective arm around Joonmyun's waist. He feels Joonmyun sigh happily against his chest, so he gathers his tiny leader into his arms and kisses him with newfound courage. It comes to Jongin's attention again that there is something hard digging into his skin, and Jongin realizes that Joonmyun is still sporting an erection.   
  
"Hyung, can I..." he asks tentatively, tracing a fingertip along Joonmyun's length.   
  
Joonmyun bites his lip and gives Jongin a single nod in approval.   
  
Moving purely on instinct, Jongin hovers over Joonmyun on all fours and leans down to brush his lips against a spot just below the jut of Joonmyun’s jaw. Joonmyun twitches and giggles, “Not there, Jongin!”  
  
Jongin drags his tongue down Joonmyun’s neck, pausing to suck on his collarbone and to gauge his hyung’s reaction. Joonmyun’s eyes are closed and his breathing is uneven, and Jongin notices a hand creeping towards his leaking cock, betraying his desperation for relief. Jongin snatches the hand and kisses Joonmyun’s palm.  
  
“Not yet, hyung,” he murmurs against Joonmyun’s skin. “I’ll try to make it good for you. I promise.”  
  
He hears a soft grunt in response and presses an ear to Joonmyun’s chest.   
  
“I can hear your heartbeat, hyung,” he whispers in awe, listening to the rushed rhythm of Joonmyun’s heart. “Is it beating that way for me?”  
  
“Jongin?” Joonmyun asks in a soft, husky voice. He understands that Jongin’s intent is to help jerk him off, but it almost seems as though the dancer’s aim is something else entirely.  
  
“Sorry, hyung.”  
  
Jongin doesn’t sound sorry at all, but his voice is so mild and affectionate that it makes Joonmyun’s heart skip a beat. He’s suddenly glad that Jongin’s ear is no longer pressed against his chest, but he doesn’t get the chance to be glad for long, because soon he feels a hot slickness sliding across his pectoral and latching onto his nipple.  
  
“Ahh! N-not there!” Joonmyun gasps, and he swears that he can feel Jongin’s chuckle, a hot puff of breath against his spit-slick skin.   
  
Jongin pulls away after lavishing Joonmyun’s chest with suckles and kisses, leaving his nipples pink, swollen, and unbearably tender. There’s a smirk curling at the corners of Jongin’s lips that reminds Joonmyun of his stage persona, Kai, but the softness in his eyes is unmistakably Jongin. Joonmyun looks away, because Jongin is too much for him to comprehend, especially when they’re in a state like this.   
  
As soon as the tip of his cock pushes past Jongin’s plush lips, Joonmyun is biting on his fist, trying not to cum. He’s so worked up already that it takes only a few bobs of Jongin’s neck before Joonmyun is spilling into his throat with a drawn-out keen. His cock throbs as Jongin kisses its crown tenderly and then wipes off the cum smeared on his lips with the back of his hand.   
  
“How was that, hyung?” Jongin grins.  
  
“J-Jongin. Come here,” Joonmyun blubbers in response, pulling him down to nuzzle into the younger man’s neck. He doesn’t answer aloud, but the way he kisses the corner of Jongin’s mouth, so gently and so lovingly, is answer enough.   
  
As difficult as it is, they eventually find the momentum to get out of bed and into the shower. They decide to shower together—to save time and water, of course. But both purposes are defeated when they accidentally spend a little too long under the warm jet stream, kissing and wrapping their arms around each other. By the time they finish, it’s too late to make lunch from scratch, so Joonmyun and Jongin end up sneaking to a nearby restaurant for takeout. And then they spend the rest of their few precious hours alone back in Joonmyun’s bed, curled up together on top of fresh cotton sheets.   
  
It’s peaceful, until Jongin tickles Joonmyun’s side out of boredom, and all havoc breaks loose. Joonmyun sits up and whacks Jongin with a pillow, and Jongin immediately grabs another pillow to meet his challenge. The pillows are eventually discarded as the pillow fight turns into a wrestling match. Jongin is more than happy to let Joonmyun win, because it means Joonmyun sitting on top of him and laughing open-mouthed, too giddy to be self-conscious.   
  
“Hyung, I really like your smile,” Jongin says shyly. “And your laugh. Please don’t cover it with your hand.”  
  
For some reason, Jongin’s words make Joonmyun’s throat constrict, and he leans down to rest his forehead on Jongin’s.   
  
“Jongin...thank you. That really means a lot to me.”  
  
It’s not that Jongin is bad with words or has nothing to say. Rather, when he does express himself, his words always carry a greater weight than they would for most people. He’s a man of few words, but what he says comes from his heart, and Joonmyun knows this.  
  
“You know,” Joonmyun yawns, nestling into the younger man’s chest. “We haven’t spent as much time together as we used to, and lately I’ve felt like I hardly know who you are.”  
  
“Hi. I’m EXO’s dancing machine Kai. Now you know who I am.”  
  
Joonmyun scoffs and flicks Jongin’s forehead.   
  
“Not like that, silly. I mean, I don’t know what you like, what you dislike, the kind of stuff that’s always changing. I feel like I’m a few years behind when it comes to knowing you. I didn’t even know you had those kinds of feelings for me. Sometimes, I thought…” Joonmyun corrects himself. “Sometimes, I was afraid that you didn’t even like me.”  
  
“Hyung…” Jongin says softly. His fingertips tingle as he touches Joonmyun’s cheek. “I’m not good at showing it, but I like you. A lot.”  
  
Joonmyun exhales shakily in relief. “I like you too, Jongin.”  
  
“I don’t like seeing you get touchy with other people, though,” Jongin frowns.   
  
“I don’t think that can be helped,” Joonmyun laughs. “What about something you do like, then?” he prompts.  
  
He pauses to think before confessing, “I like small, cute things like little kids, puppies, baby animals in general actually, and…” Jongin reaches around to cup Joonmyun’s asscheek in his palm, and squeezes. 

**Author's Note:**

> this was utterly ridiculous wha t the


End file.
